Soft skills - how to improve charisma

 Soft skills - how to improve charisma

In 2019, when I decided to immigrate to Canada, I also decided I would take the opportunity to make a major change of career. I was completely bored after working in the legal field for 9 years and was longing to try something new. So, since I was already moving to a new country and restarting my life from scratch in so many ways, why not look for a more exciting, fulfilling job as well? Easier said than done.

The first obstacle I faced was actually deciding what I wanted to do for a living. In a booming economy like Canada’s, where many different jobs are well-paid, the possibilities are endless. And since all my previous work experiences were related to law - a field I wanted to avoid at all costs - I couldn’t even rely on a well-known starting point from where to draw, so to speak, my career path. I would *really* have to start from scratch. Right? Wrong. That’s when I realized that even if I chose a completely different career, there were some skills I developed in previous work experiences that could be transferable to almost any new field of work. The so-called soft skills.

What are soft skills?

“Soft skills are non-technical abilities that depend on traits such as emotional intelligence, values, and work ethic”, and they help professionals “integrate well into teams, collaborate successfully, and usually make work environments more positive and motivational”. (Indeed Editorial Team, 10 Top Soft Skills in the workplace | Indeed.com Canada 2023) 

I already knew I had some strong soft skills that would be valuable in the future. During the years I worked at the court, I realized I was very adaptable, since I successfully worked with different teams, each with their own ways of organizing workflow; in addition to that, the court’s software changed radically at least twice, showing me how quickly I was able to adapt to them. I also proved myself to be very reliable, with strong work ethics, which became obvious after a few feedbacks I received from colleagues and superiors, saying that they trusted me completely. My written communication skills were praised many times and my high level of attention to detail meant I was always among the employees who made the fewest mistakes in any team. 

But even though I was pleased to acknowledge I had those excellent skills that would be appreciated by employers in several different industries, I also knew there were some important soft skills I definitely needed to improve, and one in particular that I felt would make the most difference in my life - interpersonal skills. Being an introvert and a highly logical person means I’m not a natural at captivating and leading people. So in the past few years, while preparing for that career shift, I read so many articles and watched so many videos online, aimed at helping socially awkward people like me hone their social skills, be it to improve their personal relationships or to network more easily. 

The formula to charisma.

It wasn’t until recently that I came across a concept that changed my perspective on the subject: really charismatic people are those who strike the perfect balance between competence and warmth. According to that theory, in order to inspire and influence people, to truly engage them, they need to perceive you as very competent in what you do, and also as someone approachable, understanding, and caring. Although I was obviously good at showing competence at work, I was sometimes told that I appeared detached, cold and reserved, autistic even. The fact that I am often caught up in my own thoughts and don’t usually display emotions was working against me in my feeble attempts at being charismatic. But I was glad to realize that charismatic behaviors can be learned, and here are some tips that I think you, too, can find useful.

1- “You can enhance your warmth most easily in situations where you feel relaxed, comfortable, and able to connect to others socially” (Edwards, The charismatic personality: 12 traits you can master 2022). So instead of trying to be more charismatic in scenarios where you feel tense and totally out of your comfort zone, set yourself up for success by practicing these skills in settings where you can relax and be yourself.

2- Before attending a social event where you want to behave in a warm way, help your mind channel that energy with some guided meditation focused on kindness and compassion.

3- When you are socializing, instead of trying to be the most interesting, focus on being the most interested; active listening actually makes you more charismatic to whoever is talking to you. When you show you’re paying attention to every word they say (using eye contact, body language, making clarifying questions and appropriate comments, for example), you make them feel special and thus they find you much more likable.

In the past few months, I’ve been putting those tips to good use in my own unique way. I figured the “place” where I feel the most comfortable talking to new people is online, through text messaging - so I signed up for apps devoted to helping people meet new friends (and dates), and even joined WhatsApp groups with the specific intention to make connections that I could later develop in “real life”. I also devoted a lot of time engaging in conversations with people who were more than happy to talk to someone who was actively listening to them, and that helped me tremendously in strengthening the bonds with my roommate and my new boyfriend. After so much practice, I’m becoming more and more confident in my ability to make people feel special and I feel that I’m slowly learning to display more warmth, the first of many steps to developing my people skills.

The next steps in that journey will be to try tip #2 - guided meditations - and to read a book called "Captivate - The Science of Succeeding with People", by Vanessa Van Edwards. I’m very excited to see where all those efforts will lead me, and I hope I’ll be able to list “great interpersonal skills” in my list of professional strengths, someday.

Indeed Editorial Team, I. (2023, February 23). 10 Top Soft Skills in the workplace | Indeed.com canada. Indeed. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://ca.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/top-soft-skills-in-workplace 

Edwards, V. V. (2022, December 17). The charismatic personality: 12 traits you can master. Science of People. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/charismatic-traits/